Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Oklahoma wants bill to ban paper bags...

An Oklahoma legislator is wanting to ban the paper shopping and grocery bags. From a news article posted in some newspaper, it was determined that paper bags are found blowing in the wind all the time. This legislator even found several bobbing around his garden one day when the wind was blowing inexplicably in his Oklahoma home town.

He says, that he can take a walk anywhere and find some form of trash laying in some place. He even mentioned that some of that trash is made of paper. This progressive nature-loving man says that by banning the production of paper, specifically paper bags, the amount of trash found in his neighborhood, specifically his cul-de-sac, would be greatly reduced.

This man of conscience says that he regrets ever using paper now that he knows from extensive study and research in his living room that paper products are some of the most mass produced products in America. He even read a report that mass produced items are not as healthy for you than home-grown products. With that knowledge, this father of 3 goldfish, sought to get his problem fixed. He devised this plan to utilize plastic bags more as they are easily shredded, wadded up and thrown away. And, plastic bags have the added benefit of not leading to deforestation. This legislator of 6 months mentioned that he knew from his elementary school teacher some years ago that cutting trees down causes bad things. He wasn't quite sure what those bad things were but he recalled that he felt sad when he heard about how the trees were cut down and shredded to make paper bags for rich capitalistic consumers.

With this new bill, this Oklahoma trend-setter will push to have all paper bags removed from all landfills. He says that paper products make up the majority of all trash in or landfills. If that paper were removed and burned, then we would have much more landfill space. He also mentioned in passing that another reason he wants to ban the papery products is because of the slimy mess they can make on rainy nights.

He then related a story to this intrepid reporter about how one morning he left his house to head off to work to do his elected duty when he stepped on some paper that was egregiously left on his sidewalk by some local hoodlum the night before it rained. He said it felt like he was stepping on a squish frog. And that too made him feel sad. After putting his weight on the foot that had unexpectedly stepped on the wet paper, he then tried to take his next step. As fate would have it, he was not carrying his traditional morning cup of coffee. Therefore he was able to use that free hand to brace himself against the side of his mildly adorned house when his foot slid out from under him. As the grateful survivor of this horrendous event explained it, the wet paper that was left by a wanton criminal had soaked up so much water throughout the night's rain that it had become slimy and slippery. When he went to take his step, his hard-soled dress shoe slid out from under him causing him to lose his balance.

This grateful survivor says that since he was able to brace himself against the side of his meager 5,000 sqft home and not slip and fall, he saved himself the pain and embarrassment of getting his knees and hands wet when he fell to the ground in distress.

Now that more people are using the plastic bags that are created in an unique paper-free process, you should be seeing fewer and fewer trees destroyed along with less landfilling paper along side your sidewalks in the morning. But with this new bill, this honorable and meager man hopes to eliminate paper all together.

(yeah, this was a sarcastic reply to the plastic bag ban)

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